5 Things I Learned From Twitter (In Under A Week)

I recently decided to give Twitter a try. Facebook had become too involved for me and I
figured that 140 characters or less was right around the ideal amount of interaction I was
looking for from strangers online. So I signed up. And like most things in life it has been
educational. Even after just a week I have learned a lot. I'd like to share some of my new
found wisdom with all of you.

1. Paris Hilton is Her Own Biggest Fan
There are dozens of Twitter pages dedicated to Paris Hilton and all of them have one thing
in common: Paris is following ALL of them. I guess being a world-renowned sex symbol, mega
TV star and heiress to a millions just isn't always enough, some days you need to read
tweets about yourself written by total strangers who know nothing about who you really are
to feel alive.

2. Commander Data is now a sex symbol.
The android Data was quite possibly the least sexiest person on Star Trek: The Next
Generation. Or maybe he was sexy and I just missed it because I was too busy fantasizing
about Counsellor Troi 'getting inside my head'. Either way Brent Spiner, the actor who
played Data, has now via Twitter and possibly dilithium crystals, become a total ladies
man. He's actually wearing a corduroy sports jacket and holding a martini in his profile
picture, and judging from the responses his tweets are getting the women are LOVING it.
This just goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover or a robot by it's
organically-blended, radioactively de-atomized, imitation skin.

3. Shaq is really a pretty funny guy.
Shaquille O'neal is one of those guys that you always assumed didn't have a real sense of
humor. Maybe it's his size, maybe it's the way he used to smash backboards like they were
made out of notebook paper, or maybe it was the glowering expressions and rude remarks he's
been known to hurl at reporters who asked stupid questions. Whatever it was I know I never
thought of Shaq as class clown material. But following him on Twitter was been a real laugh
riot. He's constantly posting funny off-the-wall tweets that really make me think he might
have a career in comedy when his body finally receives one Hack-A-Shaq too many.

4. Miley Cyrus is quite possibly the most boring person alive.
Whether you like Hannah Montana or not you have to admit that millions of kids watch the
show and it is a good way to pass a half hour when you waiting for your Hamburger Helper to
cool. Or maybe that's just me. But after following Miley for a the past few days I've come
to realize that while she may be an ok actress, when the camera shuts off and the script
runs out she has nothing to say. I was expecting some very tweeny tweets about Hollywood
and that whole lifestyle, instead I got tweets about her dad, piano lessons, and nightly
tea sessions. Follow her if you have insomnia.

5. Webcam Girls Are Everywhere
No matter where you go on the internet webcam girls are already there and waiting to friend
or follow you the instant you sign up for an account. I looked on my page and saw I had 5
followers within about 20 minutes of my getting on Twitter and I naively got excited. I
figured that maybe people were finally starting to recognize my name online. Of course I
was wrong. It was just more semi-hot girls with low morals who sit at home and try to rope
lonely guys into paying $15.99 a month to watch them shower and do Trig homework. Believe
me before I get that desperate I'll go back to reading Miley Cyrus' tweets...

In conclusion, if you haven't tried Twitter out I strongly recommend that you do so
immediately. Not because I think it will benefit you in any way but because I need more
Followers. Follow me and I guarantee you lots of tweets that will catapult you to success,
fame, and incalculable fortune. Or at the very least, a guaranteed follower when you start
up a fan page about me...

http://twitter.com/mrtimothyjward